Special thanks...

To three of the most important persons (erm...)...

1. Mom...
I know that sometimes I pissed you off.. (rather, most of the times..) I'm sorry that I've been quite a mean and unfilial daughter.. but I know you really care for me... (guess "scoldings" are your way of expressing care and concern..) Sorry for putting you through this... making you worry about my condition (you even skipped dinner while waiting for me to come out of the op).. I really appreciate what you've done... I promise that I'll take better care of myself..(especially when I'm in USA)... but I also want you to know that, I've grown up.. and I will be able to look after myself... don't worry anymore?

2. Zim...
Thanks baby for being there with me... sending me in and being there when I came out. Thanks for spending the night in the hospital with me and assuring me that things are fine.. (sorry that you got chased out in the middle of the night.. and sorry that you've to spend the night on the low back couches...) Thanks baby for the fantastic bird nest..(and I assure u that they will nurse me back into 100% health) and thanks for the kisses that comfort me... Thanks for being my faithful servant for the past couple of days... (thank god for your patience) Thanks for cheering me up and being my crutches when I climb the stairs...

In conclusion... thank you-s....

3. My babies.. ('persons' doesn't quite apply to you guys..but still...)
Hee..thanks for spending the night in the hospital with me, I know you two absolutely hate the smell, but still..hee.. thanks... Feels really good to wake up in the middle of the night, seeing Ping and Pong smile at me.. makes me feel at home... Thanks for cheering me up and distracting me from my pain.. You two darlings rock... I love you boys...

Thank you god for giving me everything I have.. I promise I'll treasure each and everyone of them...

Recovery....

Quite an awful thursday...

I was barely able to walk and was totally weak from low blood sugar and could not stop shivering from the cold, pain and hunger each time I tried getting off my bed.. Didn't exactly have a good night's rest due to the operation sore and the pain from IV catheter (which strangely, hurt more than my operation wound) and regular checks by the nurses (taking BP and temperature).. In addition, my 'neighbour' , an old lady suffering from bone fractures, starting crying in the middle of the night...

Had a tough attempt during physiotherapy in the morning... Several attempts to stand up was furtile due to dizziness and hunger... finally was able to struggle a couple of steps using crutches before giving way... Was discharged anyway (since my mom refuse to pay another additional day of ward stay) and was being wheeled around...Hee.. cool experience sitting in a wheelchair.. especially when everyone ard you start being ultra considerate and side-stepping to give way... wish I could be wheeled home, but oh well...

Nearly died climbing 3 storeys in crutches... Sigh, took the loooongest time ever juz to reach home... Refused to come downstairs for the rest of the way since the washroom was located on the 2nd floor... If I came down to the living room, the way to the washroom would be far and looooong...No way I'm going to pee in my pants! LOL... managed to get my baby to serve me for the rest of the night... though I felt bad ordering him around, but unfortunately, he was moving ten times as fast as I could... so, why not? LOL

Doing well progressively.. managed to move abt in one side of the crutches by the end of the day.. and by friday afternoon, I was crutches-free! Hooray.. Hee.. seems to be healing as expected... (blessing~) and I'm pain-killer-free too... (hee..not much pain to mention in fact..)
So, seems like all the pieces are falling in place and USA in back in the iternary! Hee... busy with exams for now.. and soon... I'll be flying to the other side of the world...

Excited....

Thank you god for my fast healing process! ^_^

Hospital stay...

Finally went for the operation... kao, after starving for 10 straight hours (nearly died)... and being asked numerous times questions like: "Are you allergic to anything?", "Are you diabetic? Do you have high blood pressure?", " Are you wearing any jewelleries?"... and answered umpteen "NO"s...

Quite a weird feeling being pushed into the operating theatre in the bed... lying down and looking at the ceiling lights go by as I approached my destination..Maybe cos my operation is rather minor, hence nothing much went by my mind except that "I'm so damn hungry".. but can't help but wonder, for patients that are going for a crucial operation (life and death situation), maybe the journey to the OT from the ward would bring abt much flashbacks abt what they have done in their lives..( with ceiling lights as special effects...) Scary~

Turned out that Zim's sec sch classmate who is a orthopedic surgeon-in-training was one of the doctors for my operation. Kinda weird since I kinda know him personally.. but either way, it was good to see someone familiar before being wheeled into a totally uninviting and strange environment...
Interestingly, when we first told my mom about his fren being one of the doctors in my op, my mom totally freaked out saying "Huh, we pay some much and let a training doctor do operation??? How can?"... sigh... cute mother of mine... what more can i say...

The operating theatre is UGLY... pale green walls...(for whatever reason..)..and the operating table smacked in the middle... totally uninviting.. When I'm being 'placed' on the actual operating table, people ard me started rushing here and there to get things done, like a factory line. Anaesthetist busy inserting anaesthetic in my arm (weird, stingy feeling gushing down my blood) and explaining to me in ultra 'fast-forward' speed and nurses putting monitors on me, and gass-ing me.. (stinking gas.. yucks) and soon...I was Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Woke up in a cubicle alone, with the constant beeping of devices around me, completely disoriented..No idea what time, where the hack I was.. all i could think about was... FOOD and water...

A couple of doctors came by to check on me.. and asked how i felt..

short sweet answer from me.."hungry"...

Quite assuring to see Zim's fren around.. especially when I'm so disoriented and stuck in a weird looking cubicle and with someone diagonally behind me puking ultra loudly..(as though he vomited his organs out...)

Had a little Pizza party after the operation..Thanks Ray, Qiwei and Qian...Hee.. tho Qian u not there, but your presence is surely felt and hearing your voice and 'suaning' makes me awake and energetic.. (no, I'm not in love with you... )Thanks Ray + Qiwei for being sooooooo sweet to buy in pizzas... Hee.. you guys rock~ Really appreciate what you guys did.. waiting 8 hours for me and being there for me before and after my operation and treating me pizza.. As what I promised Qian, if any of you guys are in similiar situation in future, rest assured I'll definitely be there and buy you guys pizza! LOL, juz joking... and CHOY..(did i also mention that Qian 'slapped' me for saying that??) You guys really really rock.. I'll definitely remember what you guys did...

Also thanks to those who came by and visited me before I went in (with cute little balloons) as well as those who expressed their concerns thru sms-es... Hee.. doing fine.. will be around and kicking for an ultra looong time...

Op day..

Heading out to the hospital soon...but for now, 我 肚子好饿!!! Sigh, not allowed to eat after 11am. Had a rather filling brunch..but still.. I'm DAMN hungry now... *sob sob* Guess the more something is prohibited, the more people would want it... Not to mention, there's sooooo much goodies lying around.. (oreo, ice-cream, orange juice, yoghurt...) T_T .. Can't wait to be able to eat..Spending so much effort keeping myself away from the kitchen, which means I'm burning my energy consciously restricting myself, which also means, I'm becoming more hungry by the minute.. It's a vicious cycle! 给我一点吃的吧! Another 6more hours to go... just 6 more hours...

Not actually panicking yet, though I can feel my palms go cold and butterflies are dancing (for wall to wall) in my EMPTY stomach.. Kaoz... Operation supposed to be a rather simple day surgery (which means that I wld be able to 'crawl' home on the same day...), but due to lack of time slots, op was scheduled at 5pm and I'll be spending a night in the hospital..(my first of course...) B1 ward.. hee.. psycho-ing Zim to stay over with me.. ("dear.. I scared scared..") Muahhahahah

Packing a few things with me to the hospital:

1. Ah ping + pong (of cos)
2. Sweater
3. Face towel
4. Facial wash
5. Living with mathematics textbook (tmd..)

hm... k lah, wish myself a quick recovery!
(kinda anticipating the pain already.. I've a low pain threshold... sigh~ wish me luck on this one..)

The day before tomorrow...

Operation's tmr.... less than 24hours away....

Not quite concern about it actually, more worried about if I would be able to finish studying for my saturday paper... Quite a risk probably, going for a day surgery 3 days before an exam paper. Sigh, that was my only option unfortunately (that's the earliest slot the doctor could offer). So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed, praying that I'll be well enough to handle the paper (which, I haven't quite started studying for... well, afterall, I s/u the module and it's an open book and I've been faithfully attending all tutorials, so I should be able to get a "s" at least ... *please...*) Not very convincing anyway.. Whatever...

Sigh, not quite in the studying mode yet, though exams are less than one week away. Maybe due to upcoming events (USA...) and some unforeseen situations (stupid knee)... and of course, man's greatest downfall --> television! Been trying I must say, but rather unsuccesfully of course. Well, I believe things will work out, of course! *Act optimistic..*

Been thinking abt Jo recently... about my placement and stuff. Think I owe her an apology for abruptly cutting off my communication with her. Sigh, been drafting an email about what to tell her about. I feel that I've disappointed her greatly. She has definitely been a great inspiration during my 3 mths placement and I was drawn to many positive things under her influence. Yet, I chose to cut her off my social circle, despite her various attempts to contact me. I guess it's not her, just me..

Sadly, everything fell apart for me after that incident. Although I don't feel quite as bad as I used to, (at least I quit blaming myself for what happened) I've yet to resolve the issue within me. It's a setback which I've yet to pull myself out of and instead, I've chosen to simply tuck the issue to the head of my mind. Maybe this is what Freud would call as repression, trying to push the incident into my unconscious so that it would lower the tension and anxiety caused. But still, the consequences are visible. (One of which clearly explains the reason why I am not choosing social work as a career...) I know the incident is not my fault, but still the damage done is irreversible and enough to discourage me for trying again... I'm just not strong enough to face the issue. I'm afraid to face Jo and even the department. I just can't gather enough courage to do it. Sometimes I wonder, why did Jo have to tell me what happen.. sometimes, not knowing maybe better than knowing... Indeed, ignorant is bliss...

Kinda made a mental note to send her an email when I'm in USA. I can't help but hope that the distance would boast my courage and of course, it would give me an excuse in case she might want to meet up with me. I just can't face her yet, not at this point of time. Maybe someday when I'm more mature and brave enough to confront and admit my 'misdoings', maybe someday when I'm able to forgive myself and accept the reality of life, maybe then I'll have enough courage to meet up with her...

But...not now...

Somedays, I just wish I don't know anything... for my own good...

Rough patch

Going through a rough patch in my life.. definitely the worst since 26th August 1984.. Not keen to elaborate... but I really thank you guys (you know who you are) for offering to be there with me... I'm truly touched and I really appreciate your concern and care...你们让我知道朋友的重要...

I don't deny that I'm scared and worried, but I know things will be just fine...

I know I'll still be sitting in the stupid exam rooms for the next two weeks to come.. I know I'll be on SQ 21 to Newark... and I know I'll be having fun for the next three months...

PS: No, I didn't break up with Zim.. don't think tt...LOL

Praying hard... (hope it's never too late)