The day before tomorrow...

Operation's tmr.... less than 24hours away....

Not quite concern about it actually, more worried about if I would be able to finish studying for my saturday paper... Quite a risk probably, going for a day surgery 3 days before an exam paper. Sigh, that was my only option unfortunately (that's the earliest slot the doctor could offer). So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed, praying that I'll be well enough to handle the paper (which, I haven't quite started studying for... well, afterall, I s/u the module and it's an open book and I've been faithfully attending all tutorials, so I should be able to get a "s" at least ... *please...*) Not very convincing anyway.. Whatever...

Sigh, not quite in the studying mode yet, though exams are less than one week away. Maybe due to upcoming events (USA...) and some unforeseen situations (stupid knee)... and of course, man's greatest downfall --> television! Been trying I must say, but rather unsuccesfully of course. Well, I believe things will work out, of course! *Act optimistic..*

Been thinking abt Jo recently... about my placement and stuff. Think I owe her an apology for abruptly cutting off my communication with her. Sigh, been drafting an email about what to tell her about. I feel that I've disappointed her greatly. She has definitely been a great inspiration during my 3 mths placement and I was drawn to many positive things under her influence. Yet, I chose to cut her off my social circle, despite her various attempts to contact me. I guess it's not her, just me..

Sadly, everything fell apart for me after that incident. Although I don't feel quite as bad as I used to, (at least I quit blaming myself for what happened) I've yet to resolve the issue within me. It's a setback which I've yet to pull myself out of and instead, I've chosen to simply tuck the issue to the head of my mind. Maybe this is what Freud would call as repression, trying to push the incident into my unconscious so that it would lower the tension and anxiety caused. But still, the consequences are visible. (One of which clearly explains the reason why I am not choosing social work as a career...) I know the incident is not my fault, but still the damage done is irreversible and enough to discourage me for trying again... I'm just not strong enough to face the issue. I'm afraid to face Jo and even the department. I just can't gather enough courage to do it. Sometimes I wonder, why did Jo have to tell me what happen.. sometimes, not knowing maybe better than knowing... Indeed, ignorant is bliss...

Kinda made a mental note to send her an email when I'm in USA. I can't help but hope that the distance would boast my courage and of course, it would give me an excuse in case she might want to meet up with me. I just can't face her yet, not at this point of time. Maybe someday when I'm more mature and brave enough to confront and admit my 'misdoings', maybe someday when I'm able to forgive myself and accept the reality of life, maybe then I'll have enough courage to meet up with her...

But...not now...

Somedays, I just wish I don't know anything... for my own good...